


I'm sorry

by Justafewthingstosay



Series: Dear Evan Hansen, Tree Bros one shots [17]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: 'm sorrry, F/F, Flashbacks, Funeral, M/M, This is just a bunch of angst, a ton of flashbacks, breakdown - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 02:59:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11660217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justafewthingstosay/pseuds/Justafewthingstosay
Summary: Just like the story title, I am sorryIf you enjoyed it, please consider buying me acoffee





	I'm sorry

  
  
  


As he pulled the tie tighter around his neck, he saw his pale face. His eyes were puffy, his lips cracked from biting down on them so much. 

Evan pulled in a deep breath and washed his face. 

He flinched as his mother softly spoke a “Good morning honey” to him, that almost brought him to tears, because for a moment, she sounded just like him, for just a familiar passing moment she sounded like him when they woke up late, and he groggily mumbled a ‘good morning honey’, before nuzzling his face into Evans' chest, inhaling the scent of the shorter boy. 

 

“Morning mum;” Evan managed to croak out, it was the first time he had spoken since Connor had left them. She looked at him, a pitiful smile painted across her face as she intertwined their fingers. 

 

“We have to go if we want to be there on time,” she said softly and Evan nodded. 

 

The drive to the church was long and almost agonizing, the silence was painful and Evan wasn't sure how long he was able to handle it.

His mom was driving, holding his hand in hers and drawing small circles with her thumb on the back of his hand.

 

He could feel the pity with every single touch, her trying to let her apologies flow into her touch. He knew that she was trying, but at the same time, he couldn't stand her touch. Every time someone touched him, he felt as if he was losing Connor's touch on his skin, losing the last part that he had of him.

 

They drove onto the graveyard and Heidi stopped directly in front of the small church. That was what made Evan sick, Connor had never been religious, he despised it, but Cynthia had organised the funeral and Evan wanted to yell at her, but he had lost his voice, he just couldn't speak, it was almost like his voice had died with Connor.

He had the feeling that no matter what he said, there was no way to save Connor anymore, so speaking was useless. 

 

What use do words have when they can't save people? What do they do when you lose the one you need the most? 

 

Evan was offered a seat in the first row by the Murphy's but he couldn't. He didn't feel comfortable with being seen as one of them, he never was one of them and would never be. 

Just like Connor would never be one of them. Evan smiled at the memory coming back to him. 

 

_ „Murphy is such a horrible last name, I mean, it just sounds like a weird middle-name“ Connor had said, his head was lying in Evans lap as Evan let his hand go through his hair. _

 

_ „Well, we can change that,“ Evan smiled and Connors face shifted in realisation, pulling Evan down into a very passionate kiss. _

 

_ „I'd love that“ he giggled, putting his hand over his mouth.  _

 

He felt his stomach tighten, and his hands started shaking a little. Not even a seconds later, he felt his mother’s hand in the curve of his back, helping him sit down in the third row.

For a quick moment, it felt like Connor’s hand on his back. It felt warm and familiar, but at the same time, it felt so wrong. It felt so wrong to be guided like this, towards his seat by someone other than Connor. So he let himself fall into the seat, trying not to remember all the times that Connor had guided them onto the couch like that, wiping his tears while Evan shook with fear. 

 

_ “It’s okay, beautiful, I will help you ground yourself. It's okay,” Connor smiled, his hand on the curve of Evans back, the other one squeezing his hand.  _

 

_ Evan knew he was hyperventilating, he knew that he was being irrational and he kept thinking that Connor shouldn’t have to bother with him anyway. _

 

_ “Something you can touch, honey, tell me something you can touch,” the taller boy was just carrying his worried smile while trying his hardest to get some noise out of the other. _

_ Evan squeezed Connor’s hand, before moving his other hand onto the taller boys sweat-shirt. _

 

_ “Your sweatshirt,” He managed to sob out, before tightening his grip on said sweatshirt, feeling the fabric. _

 

_ “Good, I’m proud of you, I’m so proud of you, now something you can see,”  _

 

_ Evan looked up to the taller boy, that was still smiling at him with that reassuring smile that could carry mountains. He sobbed again, before pulling in a deep breath. _

 

_ “You, I can see you,” he mumbled out, the other nodded at him softly. Evan moved his hand up to Connor’s face, resting his hand on Connor’s cheek carefully. The other leaned into the touch and a smile spread across his face, humming contently before he started speaking again. _

_ “Something you can hear, beautiful,”  _

 

_ Evan’s breath slowly calmed down and he was still staring at Connor, who hummed softly.  _

 

_ “Your humming, your voice when you talk to me,” Evan said, his voice still shaking a little but getting better. _

 

_ “Good, now something you can taste,” Connor quietly said, and Evan moved up to kiss his lips.  _

 

He shook his head a little, he didn’t want to see that. He wouldn’t be able to handle that. 

 

Just as he sat down, he realised that Alana was sitting next to him. Her face was carrying a soft and sympathetic smile and Evan felt so bad, but he just wanted to yell at her. He wanted to yell at everyone, he wanted to scream at the universe, asking it just why, why it had to take the one thing from him, that had made him happy in the last years.

 

“How are you, Evan?” she spoke carefully, she tried her best not to cry, but her eyes were already bloodshot from all the tears. This had hit her hard as well, and Evan realised, that she wasn’t in the front row either, even though Zoe and she had been dating for quite a while now. 

 

Evan didn’t know how to respond to that question. His tongue felt numb and unable to move, his brain unable to form the lies of happiness anymore, so he replied with the truth.

 

“Everything fell apart inside of me, how about you?” he spoke, his voice steady and almost cold. She just took his hand into hers and squeezed it. He smiled a sad smile at her, tears tugging at the edge of his eyes. 

 

Shortly after that, everyone had come into the big hall and people started speaking, speaking about Connor, but all of them. Every single one of them forgot one thing. Connor Murphy was the bravest man Evan had ever met. 

 

_ “Connor,” Evan spoke softly. He crouched down to the sobbing mess that was his boyfriend. He saw the blood on his arm and swallowed hard. The taller boy didn’t acknowledge him at first, he just sobbed into his hands, shielding himself from the world.  _

 

_ He reached towards the older boy, trying to get him to look at him, but he stopped himself. “Is it okay if I touch you?” he asked carefully, sometimes, it didn’t happen often, but sometimes Connor couldn’t handle human touch. It didn’t happen often, but when it did, it was always after a panic attack. _

 

_ Connor nodded and Evan carefully placed his arms around the taller boy, not tight, he didn’t want to hurt the other or scare him off. _

 

_ As soon as he touched Connor, the taller boy fell apart inside his arms. “I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry, I’m sorry,” he continued on and on about how sorry he was, while he wrapped his arms around Evan, who just held him and told him that it was alright. _

 

_ Connor cried in his arms for around twenty minutes, after around ten of those minutes, he finally stopped apologising.  _

 

_ After Connor stopped crying, Evan brought him to the bathroom and started cleaning cuts on his boyfriend's arm.  _

_ He wrapped them up with bandages and as they went to bed a few minutes after, he held Connor close. He held him like a lifeline, he couldn’t let it slip out of his hand. He didn’t know if he would survive if he lost it. _

 

Evan stayed quiet throughout the whole ceremony. He didn’t have the energy to talk, he didn’t even have the energy to cry. So he looked around the room, watched the people that came. He saw Connor’s family, Cynthia was hunched over, sobbing into a tissue. He felt bad for her, no one should have to outlive their child. He saw Jared, Alana, some people from Connor’s college, but who he was most surprised to see was a paramedic from the accident and the mother of the child that Connor pushed out of the way. 

He felt a small smile creep onto his face at that, they came.

 

The ceremony didn’t take long and Evan was grateful that Cynthia didn’t let a priest talk. 

 

As people slowly made their way out of the small chapel, some went to the open coffin to look at Connor one last time, Evan hadn’t done that yet, he couldn’t bring himself to do so. He knew he had to, or he was never gonna let Connor go. 

 

So while everyone walked around, hugged and cried, Evan sat there, staring at his hands, trying to control his breathing. Suddenly he felt a big, warm hand on his shoulder and he looked up into a worn out face, black hair with small grey hairs in between. Evan immediately recognised him as the paramedic that was at the scene. 

 

He smiled at Evan softly and Evan saw that his eyes were red, he had been crying.

 

“I’m sorry for your loss, Evan,” He looked like he meant it, he had an honest face, one that you could trust easily. For a moment he waited for a reply, but when Evan didn’t talk, he continued.

“In his last moments, Connor told me to tell you something,” He took a deep breath before he looked into Evan’s hopeful eyes.

“He told me to tell you that it’s okay and that he’s sorry and that he loves you,” he said carefully, giving Evan’s shoulder a soft squeeze. 

 

Evan just nodded, not really what else to do. He gave the man a short smile, as he felt tears coming to his eyes. He wiped them away quickly and the man pulled him into a short hug, before telling him again that he was sorry and eventually walking out of the chapel. 

 

Shortly after he left, Evan felt a smaller hand take his hand. It was the boy’s mother. Her makeup was tear streaked, but she still looked good. She squeezed his hand tightly.

 

“I’m so sorry, I’m so so sorry, but he was a hero,” Evan could tell she was close to crying again and he handed her a tissue, which she gratefully took. 

“He saved my son's life and I couldn’t be more grateful,” she sobbed out into the tissue and Evan smiled at her with a sad, broken smile.

 

“He didn’t just save your son’s life, he saved mine too,” 

 

After a short hug, she too walked out of the chapel and only a few people remained, but they too had to leave at some point. 

 

Everyone slowly scattered out until Evan was left alone with the open casket. He hadn’t moved, he was still sitting in the third row, staring at his hands, unable to form tears. 

He sighed heavily but didn’t look up.

 

“I didn’t think you’d actually do it,” he said, a bitter tone in his voice. He huffed out a small laugh, looking up at the ceiling, and running his hand over his face. “Fucking hell Connor Murphy, why the fuck?” He almost laughed, while a tear escaped his eye.

 

He was mad at Connor, he was unbelievably mad at Connor. He stood up slowly, raising his hand to articulate.

 

“How the fucking hell did you just decide that it was okay to leave me here alone?” He threw his hands around, up in the air, he was yelling, he was taking up space. It was unusual for Evan, but being mad was unusual for Evan already. 

 

He made his way over to the coffin, still screaming at the lifeless body of the love of his life inside.

“You promised me that you wouldn’t leave, you fucking promised!” He kicked one of the benches as he walked by, winced at the pain for a second, but carried on. He wasn’t going to let Connor go without putting up a fight. Even if the fight was hopeless, useless and already lost. 

 

He picked up one of the roses that were there to put them on the coffin when they lowered him down later. It was beautiful, the petals were dark, almost blood red and Evan remembered all the nights of cleaning up Connor’s arms and wrapping them up, while holding him close, whispering sweet nothings into Connor’s ears, until he fell asleep in his arms.

 

He squeezed the rose tightly and only then realised that the thorns were still there. He winced at the short pain, but he was too mad to actually realise. The thorns slowly dug themselves into the soft skin of Evan’s palm and blood slowly started to pool in his clenched fist. 

 

He was only feet away from the open coffin, he couldn’t look at him, he just couldn’t. 

  
  


“Why do you always have to be so damn selfless?” He screamed, he honest to god screamed at Connor. “I hope you hear me because I got so much shit that I need to say to you!” 

 

His gaze fell onto the lifeless body and Evan felt tears rushing down his cheeks. He made his way over to the coffin. He decapitated the rose with one hard hit on the coffin.  Petals flew everywhere, and Evan laid his head down onto the coffin, dropping the stem onto the ground and letting the blood in his hand drop onto the floor. 

 

“How could you be so goddamn selfless?” He was crying into his arm, his legs slowly giving in under him. 

 

He fell to his knees, slowly his emotions were catching up with him, the anger was replaced with an unspeakable pain in his chest, his breath getting so rushed that he was unable to breathe. 

 

“How am I going to survive without you?” He asked through his sobs. “Your life was my life’s best part,” he sobbed out, frantically wiping his tears and shaking on the floor. 

 

“I love you,” He suddenly mumbled, “I love you,” He started to get louder as he slowly regained his strength to stand up again.

 

He clutched the side of the coffin, holding himself upright. Connor was lying there, hair spread out, his pale face looked even paler than it usually did, but he looked so peaceful. He had two rose petals on his face. Evan smiled at the man lying in front of him and moved his shaking hand to pick off the petals. 

 

“You are so beautiful,” he said softly, he felt tears coming to his eyes again and this time he didn’t wipe them away. “I just,” He hesitated “I don’t know how to go on without you, everything is so dull, so bland, so horrible without your light,” 

 

Evan didn’t remember how long he stayed there, hunched over Connor’s coffin, crying his heart out, he just remembered that at some point his mother came in, wrapped him into a hug and just held him. She just held him while he fell apart. 

 

The scars from the rose were still on his hand, he still went to see him, every single week he was there. Ten years after the accident, Evan had never been able to put himself together again, so he didn’t. He let himself be as broken as he was and didn’t try to fix it anymore. 

 

He had given up because when Connor died, Evan’s happiness died with him. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Just like the story title, I am sorry
> 
> If you enjoyed it, please consider buying me a [coffee](http://ko-fi.com/pissoffimrad)


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